The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Not messing around
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day