The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
The French word for sex is croissant.
“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?