@dannyboy7813

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

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@BGH70

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

@_Tempo11

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

@jonnysun

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

@ValeeGrrl

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

@Reverend_Scott

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

@DanKCharnley

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

@Horrorsc0pes

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

@jtswhipped

“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.

@StarWarsProblms

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?