The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

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I always get “never shake a baby” and “cats always land on their feet” mixed up. Anyways I need a lawyer.


I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.


Date someone who:

• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman


Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.


Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.


I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.


I flip off the rollercoaster camera, then buy a mug with the picture on it, ride it again, flip off the camera again while sipping my mug


(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn


Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.