@dannyboy7813: The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it's like the longest break up ever
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@JohnLyonTweets: Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story* Friend: I guess you had to be there. Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
@djdarrellripley: Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college.. Her: Yes I did. Me: No you didn't. Her: Yes I did. Me: Oh you're good!
@Queen_Sassy_AF: At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.
@Douchekevin: Anyone who says 'they wish they could be a fly on the wall' has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.