@dannyboy7813

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

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@ilovepie84

I always get “never shake a baby” and “cats always land on their feet” mixed up. Anyways I need a lawyer.

@themorris23

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

@roxiqt

Date someone who:

• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman

@2tickytacky

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

@Bahstonlady

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

@Birdhumms

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

@michaeljhudson

I flip off the rollercoaster camera, then buy a mug with the picture on it, ride it again, flip off the camera again while sipping my mug

@VerefiedHusband

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

@QwertyJones3

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.