The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
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It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.