[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
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ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[my cell phone rings]
ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening
Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“What do we want?”
“When do we want them?”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED