@EllaZee5

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

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@Brampersandon_

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

@bobvulfov

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

@Jake_Vig

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

@InternetHippo

[my cell phone rings]

ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening

@LOsepyan

Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan

@HenpeckedHal

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

@skitzoette

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

@UnFitz

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

@roxiqt

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

@unravelingfire

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED