The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
You Might Also Like
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
had to make it
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Lmao
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Always the camel, never the toe.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It