The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
felt cute might bury dad later idk