The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
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Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: