Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
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Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
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There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.