The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
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ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Ok but actually
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.