@hero_ofthenight

The more laundry I do, the less nudists seem crazy to me.

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@bornmiserable

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

@SteveKoehler22

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

@WilliamRodgers

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

@DrDogMD

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

@StillJessLS

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

@AndyRichter

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

@AllieA

I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.

@CoopSoSarc

All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it’s ok to get out of her bushes.

@jctwritesstuff

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?