HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
The more laundry I do, the less nudists seem crazy to me.
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No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The Sorting Hat seems like bad hygienic practice.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.
All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it’s ok to get out of her bushes.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M: So like no hard liquor or…?