@hero_ofthenight

The more laundry I do, the less nudists seem crazy to me.

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@WornOutMommy

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

@RobertJrDowney

If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.

@dumbbeezie

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

@ArfMeasures

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

@JeremyPoxon

[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave

@TheMichaelRock

Don’t forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.

@Beatonm5

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!