We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
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My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.