I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
The more laundry I do, the less nudists seem crazy to me.
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[creation of clams]
God: this snail is grounded
If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave
Don’t forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!