@ieatanddrink

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

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@matt___nelson

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

@50FirstTates

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

@Marlebean

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

@too_chihuahua

Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
“WHAT”
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”

@daemonic3

[getting cuffed and arrested]

me: but officer it was medicinal

cop: again, there’s no such thing as medicinal homicide

@House_Feminist

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

@squirrel74wkgn

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

@LeBearGirdle

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

@drinksmcgee

Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.