@ieatanddrink

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

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@Bunnydurden

Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.

@Slims_Ramblings

I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.

@DirtMcTurd

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

@TampaBayMomma

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

@NotGoodEthan

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

@SlayerSays

Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.

@The_Grant_Boldt

*at Starbucks*

“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”

*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*

@erinmallorylong

ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.