@Parkerlawyer: I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever. But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

@UweBollocks: Well, this certainly took a turn

@Home_Halfway: I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are "Halloween decorations" again.

@WhaJoTalkinBout: customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing me: oh *declines it* thank you

@roboticcrab: moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor* me: it's not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse