I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.