The morning after pill, but for tweets
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Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Sunday
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
this is so top tier i cant
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.