The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
You Might Also Like
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)