When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted