The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

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I’ll pronounce vegan “veegan”,

when vegetables become “veegetables”.


[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room


[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa


Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor


I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.


Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.


My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”


Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.


Recipes sound good until you realize that you don’t have $846 worth of spices in your house.