The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
You Might Also Like
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
The government even made aliens boring
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”