The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

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[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”


doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream


If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.


Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.


[Crime scene on set-your-clock-back-an-hour day]

INVESTIGATOR 1: Time of death?

INVESTIGATOR 2: [looks at microwave…then phone] uhhm hmm


[in catholic church]

Me: can i make a confession

Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU


everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France


Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.


Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*