[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[Crime scene on set-your-clock-back-an-hour day]
INVESTIGATOR 1: Time of death?
INVESTIGATOR 2: [looks at microwave…then phone] uhhm hmm
[in catholic church]
Me: can i make a confession
Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU
everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*