Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts