the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
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If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
…..pretty much.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER