the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
consequences, the bane of my existence
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.