the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

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*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs


The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.


1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside


I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I’ll sleep tonight as well. There’s also a pretty good chance I’ll take a nap soon.


You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.


Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.


guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!


People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.


Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.


DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.