The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
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My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon