The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

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Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.


‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?

Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.


My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I’m compromising and buying them a goat.


i love the term “partners”
are we dating?
are we robbing a bank?
do we run a legal firm?
Who knows man


Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.


*opens paper towels*
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
me: It’s not f


[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*


Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.


Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?


If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic