The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
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“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”