Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
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“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
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Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them