@ObscureGent

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Wife: Can you phone the school to see if it’s open?
Me: I’ll go there and ask
Wife: It’s ten minutes away
Me: I enjoy the walk
Wife: It’s SNOWING
Me: I will literally do anything to avoid making a phone call

@Jamie1947

Damn girl, are you my cable remote? Because you are weirdly designed and very confusing, and does this row of buttons even do anything?

@SufficientCharm

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

@AllyBallyBeal

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

@lmegordon

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

@InternetHippo

The stages of getting old are:
1) shocked to see that some famous person is younger than you
2) not surprised anymore b/c they’re all younger

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a unicorn.

Unicorn: lmao corn?

God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.

Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!

God:

Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.

God: [whispers] cancelled.

@2tickytacky

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

@jamdugg

*Speed dating*

“Hi there. So what do you do?”

“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”

@twitdeedum

I was going to do the dishes but they weren’t in the mood.