The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

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Wife: Can you phone the school to see if it’s open?
Me: I’ll go there and ask
Wife: It’s ten minutes away
Me: I enjoy the walk
Wife: It’s SNOWING
Me: I will literally do anything to avoid making a phone call


Damn girl, are you my cable remote? Because you are weirdly designed and very confusing, and does this row of buttons even do anything?


My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.


Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.


I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.


The stages of getting old are:
1) shocked to see that some famous person is younger than you
2) not surprised anymore b/c they’re all younger


God: you’re a unicorn.

Unicorn: lmao corn?

God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.

Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!


Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.

God: [whispers] cancelled.


I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?


*Speed dating*

“Hi there. So what do you do?”



I was going to do the dishes but they weren’t in the mood.