The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
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Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”