The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit