@KelleysBreakRm

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

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@Sickayduh

“I’m going to the post office. I need a place stamp”

Wtf is that?

“I dunno but this envelope says I need one here”

@JasonLastname

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

@sixfootcandy

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

@jordan_stratton

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

@Royceda59

I bought condoms. Cashier asked if I needed a bag, I said no she’s not that ugly RT @HeroinHadley:Tweet something inspirational. I need it.

@Robski_Boy

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

@paperphotoyo

When a man falls asleep next to me, I like to sniff his arm pit. Then he usually gets mad, I have to ride a different bus, it’s a big mess.

@grain_death

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

@Mardigroan

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

@AimeeHelene1

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.