The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

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“I’m going to the post office. I need a place stamp”

Wtf is that?

“I dunno but this envelope says I need one here”


Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.


My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.


[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*


I bought condoms. Cashier asked if I needed a bag, I said no she’s not that ugly RT @HeroinHadley:Tweet something inspirational. I need it.


Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.


When a man falls asleep next to me, I like to sniff his arm pit. Then he usually gets mad, I have to ride a different bus, it’s a big mess.


earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads


When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.


I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.