@jonnysun

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

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@Rollinintheseat

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

@CoreyKeyz

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

@TheMainlandBlog

If I can make even one person laugh on here then I’m not doing my job.

The job I actually get paid for.

@UnFitz

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

@IamJackBoot

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

@XplodingUnicorn

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

@dimplesticks

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop