My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
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All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
If I can make even one person laugh on here then I’m not doing my job.
The job I actually get paid for.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop