the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

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me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth


Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.


u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question


I live in my parent’s basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth’s core.


My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken


I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.


Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?