the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
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Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I’d rather fork than spoon.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
What the hell is going on?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom