The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

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Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*


If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…


4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.


That moment when you leave a store but don’t buy anything, and you’re telling yourself, “act natural, you’re innocent.”


UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over


Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.


*goku flies into the sunset* not knowing how the sun and earth really work he says “WHAT THE HELL WHERE’S THAT SUNSET BEEN FLYING FOR DAYS”


I told my husband that instead of leaving his dirty dishes on the counter, he should leave them in 1952 so a nice housewife cleans them up.