Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
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My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…