@Zaius13

The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

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@Ochie2S

[First day in bomb squad]

*Woman crying infront of blown up house*

ME : *putting an arm around her shoulders*
“I think this belonged to your husband”

@daemonic3

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

@ArfMeasures

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

@WildeThingy

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ?
and cousins toooo ?

@coketruck76

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

@Lhlodder

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

@Nedsfeed

Folks who voted no on impeachment technicly voted yes on peachment

@NotthatAdamWest

Jean shorts on men should be called Danny Dukes. Or Daisy Dons. Or maybe just Poor Life Choices.