The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
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I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.