The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
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[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.