@pmclellan

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

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@lisaxy424

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

@ibid78

“Your word is ‘oujia'”
-could you use that in a seance?
[spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won

@blade_funner

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

@juliussharpe

How about instead of shaking hands we nod at each other and that way we both won’t have to wash our hands?

@Mr_Kapowski

I want to know the backstory of when an eyelash turns evil and says “That’s it. I’m done protecting the eye. I’m going in to destroy it now”

@TheAlexNevil

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

@slimmy_shady

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

@DavidKrap

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.