The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

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If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.


This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life


I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage


I’ll stop calling you a racist if you stop bragging about all the marathons you run.


4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.


“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians


ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend


Shockingly, the gyroscope is NOT a device used to locate Greek restaurants.



Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?


Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.