The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

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It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.


“Your word is ‘oujia'”
-could you use that in a seance?
[spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won


The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.


How about instead of shaking hands we nod at each other and that way we both won’t have to wash our hands?


I want to know the backstory of when an eyelash turns evil and says “That’s it. I’m done protecting the eye. I’m going in to destroy it now”


First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.


“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”


Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.