@pmclellan

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

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@HatfieldAnne

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

@mattZillaaaa

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

@mydmac

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

@TheMichaelRock

I’ll stop calling you a racist if you stop bragging about all the marathons you run.

@FeralCrone

4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.

@carlyken

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

@BuckyIsotope

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

@glenc217

Shockingly, the gyroscope is NOT a device used to locate Greek restaurants.

@AtticusFinch79

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

@DurtMcHurtt

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.