@carlyken

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

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@BCMontgo

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

@WonkaTours

There is an unattended child in the lobby asking a million and one questions if it is not collected immediately we will send it up the chocolate tube, swear to god

@DanMentos

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

@mikeym00n

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

@Thynebear

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

@rachaelkelly18

I love how coffee tricks me into believing I’m in a good mood for about 27 minutes

@ArfMeasures

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

@ArfMeasures

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

@iwearaonesie

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore