Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
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There is an unattended child in the lobby asking a million and one questions if it is not collected immediately we will send it up the chocolate tube, swear to god
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Alexa , did scaramouche ,scaramouche ever do the fandango ?
I love how coffee tricks me into believing I’m in a good mood for about 27 minutes
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore