The most important part of dressing up like a clown and hiding in your friend’s crawlspace is to have fun and be yourself

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Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?

*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*



Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.


I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back


I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files


I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.


Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?


dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
me: Are you crying?


My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.