@ThisLocalHater

The most important part of dressing up like a clown and hiding in your friend’s crawlspace is to have fun and be yourself

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@LeBearGirdle

Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?

*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*

Me: OH MY

@capnwatsisname

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

@SomthinBoutSara

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

@dougbies

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

@The_Mentalyst

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

@MichaelTrying

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

@iwearaonesie

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.