I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
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Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
another case of gang violins
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
S O O N
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…