SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
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Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[knock on door]
Who is it?
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider