the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
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How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Cake!!
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything