the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo


Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.


How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”


Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL


[knock on door]
Who is it?
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]


“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza


Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems


A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.


1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider