@minkpinkustink

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

You Might Also Like

@clichedout

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

@TheWeirdWorld

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

@MaryKoCo

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

@onion_an

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

@tastefactory

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

@Brentweets

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

@RamblingMachine

A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.

@onion_an

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider