The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
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Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.