the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
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KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.