Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.