@JediGigi
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
@InternetHippo
The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can’t use in the real world.
You Might Also Like
@JediGigi
@envydatropic
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
@chuuew
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
@imchip
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
@DrDogMD
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
@selenamua_
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
@WilliamAder
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
@abhorrent_wife
I would totally get into a stranger’s windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.
@Stellacopter
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
@C00LpenNAME
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?