@InternetHippo

The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can’t use in the real world.

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@JediGigi

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

@envydatropic

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

@chuuew

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

@imchip

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

@DrDogMD

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

@selenamua_

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

@WilliamAder

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

@abhorrent_wife

I would totally get into a stranger’s windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.

@Stellacopter

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

@C00LpenNAME

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?