The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can’t use in the real world.

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They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.


According to Facebook a bunch of handsome dudes got together and decided to marry all my ex-girlfriends


Baby wood ducks hurl themselves from a nest 60’ high on the second day of their little lives but ok son, I can transfer cash into your account so you can get an iced coffee.


My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.


When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.


Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there


It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only


You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?


A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it’s on his ring finger, he’s married. If it’s not, he’s a guy who wears rings.