The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can’t use in the real world.

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[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.


*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm


To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.


did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything


NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*


Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering


Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.


I would totally get into a stranger’s windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.


Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”


God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?