@InternetHippo

The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can’t use in the real world.

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@Scdavis24

They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.

@Ristolable

According to Facebook a bunch of handsome dudes got together and decided to marry all my ex-girlfriends

@six_2_and_even

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves from a nest 60’ high on the second day of their little lives but ok son, I can transfer cash into your account so you can get an iced coffee.

@thenatewolf

My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.

@LoveYoorFate

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

@zephyrs0phie

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

@daplusk

It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only

@Storminika

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

@jenstatsky

A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it’s on his ring finger, he’s married. If it’s not, he’s a guy who wears rings.