The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.