@hunz74

The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.

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@thistallawkgirl

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

@Crazy_ButCute2

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

@dave_cactus

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

@runawaycupcake

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

@RidiculousSheri

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

@SondraDeeMe

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

@thenatewolf

*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad’s hand for the first time*

@mostunladylike

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

@therichards5

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!