I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad’s hand for the first time*
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!