The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I hope this email finds you in a well
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through