The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
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Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
you know what ruined my childhood? children
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.