The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

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wife: “im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it”
store owner: “it’s okay”
me: [lying in a coffin] “the first one was better”


[During sex]

Me: * ??????*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.


Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard


Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.


no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,


My therapist told me to take more risks so I parted my hair on the other side this morning.


Me: I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Dermatologist: As we’ve discussed, the sun doesn’t have feelings and won’t know it’s been blocked.


The Sun: *gasps* that BITCH


Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours


If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.


I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”