Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
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*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My dream girl is basically a pizza in a mini skirt.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
“What protection do you use?”
“When you have Sex.”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.