The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

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Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.


*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.


There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.


“What protection do you use?”


“When you have Sex.”



It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.


Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.


“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.


HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.