The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
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Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
He’s cranky this morning
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better