@coolauntV

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

- @coolauntV

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@Parkerlawyer

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

@asimplesean

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

@Marlebean

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

@thepunningman

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

@DrakeGatsby

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

@dlicj

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

@treydayway

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

@87bidi

“Your résume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?”
*flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts*
“Grad school.”

@jackiembouvier

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

@hunz74

“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

Me: “Sometimes?”

“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”

Me: “Always.”