the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
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Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.