@lifecoachfit

The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.

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@VodkaShorebird

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

@Parker_Simpson

Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn’t graduate college.

@seamussaid

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

@patnspankme

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

@vineyille

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

@OrdinaryAlso

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

@PimpBillClinton

The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).

@TheAndrewNadeau

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

@daviddeweil

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

@capricecrane

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.