Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
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I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does