The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
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*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Hotels are back
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.