The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
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The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
ok like just. call me at this point
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”