@juskewitch

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

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@amazymay72x

You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…

@Jake_Vig

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

@TheTweetOfGod

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

@Fred_Delicious

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

@squirrel74wkgn

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

@leechee420

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

@BenjyHimmel

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

@sofarrsogud

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.