I need a draft folder for my mouth.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.