The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy