Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again