The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
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[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..