The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
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My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
No, he would not have.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
incredible
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️