The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

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30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion


when i was a young boy my father had what he called the bean jar. it was a jar full of brown and black beans. whenever we misbehaved, he would remove one and tell us that once the jar was empty, the world would end


wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing


The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.


Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works


Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!


me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*


If you have to sneeze in a crowded grocery store, you might as well go full somnambulant and pretend like you’re turning into a zombie.


I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.