@SortaBad

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

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@GrantTanaka

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

@NicestHippo

I love killing for fun
“Sociopath! Arrest him!”
I mean I love hunting
“Why didn’t you say so my good man, want to kill together sometime?”

@Kryzazy

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

@usermcuserface

A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..

@amydillon

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

@SteussieErica

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

@LackOfShame

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

@pilau

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

@Amburglar_

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd