@SortaBad

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

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@ppppolls

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

@ronaldravegan

when i was a young boy my father had what he called the bean jar. it was a jar full of brown and black beans. whenever we misbehaved, he would remove one and tell us that once the jar was empty, the world would end

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

@Brettagher

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

@GregorJFord

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

@AudreyPorne

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

@broken_rhi

If you have to sneeze in a crowded grocery store, you might as well go full somnambulant and pretend like you’re turning into a zombie.

@Carbosly

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.