The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
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I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.