The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

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Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.


I love killing for fun
“Sociopath! Arrest him!”
I mean I love hunting
“Why didn’t you say so my good man, want to kill together sometime?”


Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..


A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..


85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.


Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*


Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.


me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail


Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd