@SortaBad

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

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@FannyB1tch

Never pee with the door open, it totally freaks out the other motorists.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

@vanluvz1

I’m at my most nurturing when I’m plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.

@kelllicopter

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

@Born2bVild

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

@nbadag

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

@WilliamRodgers

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

@dmndstarpotato

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️