The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
fired
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.