The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
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Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Spring cleaning checklist…
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*