@ObscureGent

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

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@dadmann_walking

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

@Jacksawyerr

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

@Thynebear

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

@DevilryFun

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

@minermikeminer

Meet George Jetson
His Boy Elroy
Daughter Judy
Jane his wife

Just kidding, obviously. I’ll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.

@SatansTongue

Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want

@ClickBaite

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

@sssh_squirrel

I’m going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.

@PresTightrhymes

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!