The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
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I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
How I’d get arrested…
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.